Because when the most momentous thing that had ever happened to me was happening to me I was only supposed to tell a very select few. Because I was sitting around a table with my co-workers concentrating on looking undisturbed by the waves of nausea rocking me to my core. Because 1 in 5 pregnancies end in miscarriage and yet this too is a secret we are told we should keep. Because if I have a cold I can tell everyone but if I have mind-blowing cramps I’m only supposed to whisper it to other women. Because truths of pregnancy are only shared like passwords between women once we are pregnant. Because the very real movement of hormones and blood and bones in our bodies are treated like whimsy and fairy tale; myth and mystery. Because this is my pregnancy as I’m experiencing it and I want to tell.
3 thoughts on “About”
Totally relate to so much of what you reveal here. I am 15 weeks now and also for the first time. Its so good to hear these things. I also wanted to take so many pregnancy tests, just to keep feeling it was real. And I also felt pressure to keep it quiet, even though the experience is so altering. What helped me most with the nausea and disorientation of first trimester, which has happily abated and been replaced by as you said, lightness…was what a dear midwife friend told me. Pregnant women experience all these different states of awareness, like trance experiences, like drug experiences, but more foreign and way deeper than before. When the disorientation starts, or restlessness, or malaise…which was as never ending for me as you described here, that can be you slipping in to an altered consciousness that can’t be tracked by the everyday mind. When that happens, as now it may be fatigue or overwhelm, or sudden great emotion…recognizing that this is me trying to slip into an altered state and fighting it really helps me slow down and surrender. And then maybe experience a blissful treat of the senses like you described with the scent of the pines…or roses…or light on the sky….or a moment of raw connection with this familiar inside being.
I also really relate to the challenge of feeling confused and overhwlemed and arguing with your partner and your self and then realizing SHIT my baby is inside me right now “listening” to this and what if they one day realize it wasn’t all hunky dory from the get go. That’s a big new thing to get used to– protecting the little one but still living your freaking life.
This is good to get off the chest and at the same time, refreshingly tiring. Going outside to express it all leaves me needing extra time after to get oriented to the quiet again!
Thanks for sharing so openly with your blog. It really is a treasure for me right now! Ill look forward to reading more of your musings, as this unfolds for me in a parallel universe.
Thanks so much for your comment. I love this idea of altered states of consciousness and how important it is to just surrender and experience them. When I was very early on, week 5 or so, my friend told me, “You’re essentially tripping on hormones right now.” And I liked it, and was reassured, but it also felt like so much more than tripping…like I was literally being altered by the things I was feeling.
So much of how this blog began for me was straight up awe for how profoundly changed I was feeling; it was hard to articulate and getting some of the sensations down helped a bit. Not to mention with the secrecy of it.
I’m thrilled that these pages are of use to you right now. Nothing could make me happier then hearing that all this resonates with another person.
Take care and I hope these next weeks keep feeling good.
I’m up in the middle of the night during a sleepless stretch of time after being awoken by my toddler to nurse, who quickly and easily fell back asleep, getting some alone time and feeling so thankful that you are sharing this.
I cried a whole bunch of times while reading your posts. That really nice kind of crying that happens when you relate and are so happy someone else gave the experience a voice.