Day 9

I’m so nauseous I can’t think. I bought Seabands today; I think they’re starting to work. I read on one site that some doctors think that it’s only a placebo effect that makes them work. Yeah? Well, so fucking what? If it helps, it helps. I hate doctors today and did I mention I hate the phrase “morning sickness.” I hate the phrase morning sickness.

B. is still back though, with me. I get it too; his retreat and what scared him. It can all be overwhelming; I’m really scared of us becoming a version of business life partners. Often in the last week it felt like that: both of us tired and discussing and divvying up the life tasks. And this baby still only a notion.

I have to remind myself that we’ve always found our own ways to do all these things. There is no prescription. We’ll figure this out too. It doesn’t mean the end of all adventure.

Also, this is always what happens to us if we don’t have sex. If I could just have a moment of stillness, a pause, in this roiling, tumbling nausea, I would jump his bones in an instant. If this goes on unabated for too much longer I think I might go a little crazy.

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