Day 6

First day of work. Seems tremendous and all encompassing and all exhausting and I’m having trouble rallying enthusiasm but then at the same time if my due date really is late April I find that terrifying. It’s so soon. B. feels/felt far away when he got home and we got in a fight about hummus. I came down here to take some time, and just now he came over with a kiss and a smile and a joke and he feels near again. But still, his capacity to be still and private scares me. Sometime, so often, i want to know exactly what’s in his head-hard for me to let him just have his feelings and thoughts.

As I’m writing all these words, I feel like I’m watching a scene in a movie in which a woman is writing in her journal—I don’t feel connected to the words at all.

I feel really scared and guilty about the potential late April due date. It’s kind of exactly when we wanted to avoid, with his school schedule, I really didn’t think the timing was right to get pregnant. Does B. know? Has he done the math? I don’t want to bring it up as if…it’s my fault. This is a weird one, this feeling guilty. Not sure what to do at all. What should I say? I seek sleep.

Being pregnant is weird. It being a secret leaves me feeling as if I’m living in two worlds at once.

Is this what it feels like to be a spy?

I like B.

I’m crazy. I feel guilty for telling him all my sick symptoms because I don’t want him to feel bad. I think this all loops around to me resenting that he is not experiencing this the way I do. Perhaps this is the guilt about the due date too.

Not in the front his mind!!!

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